I read a blog recently. Write the Rainbow by Sarah Clarkson on her blog "Thoroughly Alive." Please read it before continuing so the rest of this will make sense. It spoke to me so deeply as it addresses my struggle directly.
Well, it boils down to this. Who do I think I am? People who know me know my flaws. My weaknesses wear at me daily and I fight to stay focused on God's calling in my life, to weed out the unnecessary and walk in obedience and joy. I fail over and over again, but in these failures I learn. I am imperfect, but a perfect God continually shows me pieces of His heart. If I share them, will my failures overshadow what I am trying to say? Does it matter?
So I wait in prayer for Him to say "go." I begin the selective process of editing, of being sure my words are true and right and approved by Him before I share them here. This life He has given me, it goes against the grain. It goes against everything I knew when I was young and it is not what I expected. I cannot look too far ahead or I am overwhelmed. The "what if's" can pull me under. I have to live today for Him and let tomorrow take care of itself.
I am not very good at that.
If He instructs me to pass on what He has placed on my heart, then I must. But if He does not, well, I will keep it to myself. Lord, I am willing.